Heavy Metal 101: What To Buy/Not Buy A Metalhead For Christmas


It is that time of year again for those who celebrate Christmas and/or the spirit of giving gifts to friends and family. What do you buy your favorite Metalhead in your life? Maybe you have more than one Metalhead to buy for? Consider yourself fortunate for having a Metalhead(s) in your life if you do. We Metalheads are strong in perseverance and are a loyal breed. O.k., here is a list of items, that you may consider helpful, in your quest to make the Metalhead you are buying for this holiday season… psyched.

* Gift Cards – yes, there may not be much thought process about this gift, however, it makes life easy for both the giver and receiver. Too often this great gift is overlooked, due to the simplicity of the idea. Gift cards to stores that sell CD’s, musical instruments, blue jeans and Rock t-shirts are preferred.

* i-tunes Gift Card – again, a gift card, sounds too easy doesn’t it? A truly wonderful gift for any Metalhead that wants to browse for Heavy Metal songs, online, at 3:30 in the morning.

* Blue Jeans – this is a staple piece of clothing for us, going on decades now. Please, don’t ever consider buying dress slacks for a Metalhead, thinking that they need to “dress up” once in awhile. That is pure bull crap.

* Rock T-Shirt – c’mon, these are everywhere. All you need to do is look for them! For Metal sakes, just go to a Hot Topic and you are in a Rock & Heavy Metal t-shirt paradise. For those of you unfamiliar with Hot Topic, it is a store… every reputable mall has one. Don’t be afraid to go in this store… the people working there and we fellow Metalheads are not going to hurt you.

* Beer – do I really need to explain this one? Just grab (and pay for) a case of beer and slap a bow on it. Please, do not buy just a six pack as a gift, even if it is an expensive import… that is very tacky.

* CD’s – please, please, please, do not just buy a CD for the Metalhead in your life without knowing what they actually want! Make certain the Metalhead has given you a list of choices to look for! God almighty, there are going to be Metalheads out there getting the (gasp), new Daughtry CD for Christmas if people do not heed this warning! Ouch.

* CD Carrying Case – only if it is BLACK or has the Metalhead’s favorite band logo on it.

* Concert DVD’s – any major mass retailer has ’em… just look online as well. Again, get some titles from the Metalhead as to what he/she wants. Re-read the above hint on CD’s to refresh your memory.

* Heavy Metal Autographs – you betcha, they are out there. Oh, God forbid if you have to actually take time to look for them too. Just go on the world wide web and explore… there are autographed CD’s, posters, books and expensive stuff like autographed guitars to buy too. You don’t have to spend a fortune here to make a Metalhead happy… an autographed CD of a cool Heavy Metal band, can be had for less than 20 bucks… more often than not.

* Sweater – sure, if you are gonna go this route, just keep in mind that BLACK is the color to buy. Gee whiz, it is not rocket science to remember this standard color of fashion for Metalheads. If you are going to be troublesome about this color, at least buy a dark shade of blue or brown then.

* Concert Tickets – beware… these concert tickets better be for a Heavy Metal concert or at least a Hard Rock concert of a band that the Metalhead likes. DO NOT try to be a “hero” and “just purchase on a whim” Daughtry tickets, thinking you are going to make your Metalhead jump for joy. Remember, you are buying the equivalent of The Wiggles if you were to do this.

* Shot Glasses/Beer Mugs – man, that is the gift that keeps on giving. Especially look for shot glasses and beer mugs that have the logo’s of Heavy Metal bands on them! They serve a two-fold purpose when they are adorned with a band’s logo on them… for drinking and displaying.

* ipod/stereo system/DVD player – look, just give cash if you are willing to buy a higher end gift like this. Why? You are going to buy the wrong thing anyways… giving cash in this situation makes life much easier for both parties involved. There are way too many “geek” & “low quality” products out there when it comes to this stuff… you do not want to embarrass a Metalhead and thus, yourself.

* Game System – if you are going this route, you are a very giving person and think highly of your Metalhead. Be careful, it can be tricky, you do not want to buy the wrong thing here. Don’t be bashful about getting all the facts about what this respective Metalhead already owns and/or really wants – when it comes to a game system. Plus, if you are going to be this damn nice, why not take the Metalhead with you when you purchase the game system?

DO NOT EVER EVEN CONSIDER BUYING A METALHEAD THE FOLLOWING ITEMS:

* Turtleneck Shirts – you are basically telling the Metalhead you bought this for – “I hate you”

* Dress Socks – (see turtlenecks)

* Tie – (see turtlenecks)

* Dress Shirt – (see turtlenecks)

* Dress Shoes – a very inconsiderate gift, very shameful too

* Tiger Woods Golf Tips DVD – the ultimate insult gift

* Jon & Kate Plus Eight DVD – another ultimate insult gift

* Subscription to the PMRC newsletter – you now have crossed the line with any Metalhead

* Money Belt – only if the Metalhead is over the age of 75

* Flashlight – gee, how thoughtful

* Travel First Aid Kit – (see flashlight)

* Two Pound Chocolate Santa – extremely embarrassing gift

* Bananarama Greatest Hits CD – go ahead… and see what happens

* Ceramic “Worlds Greatest Metalhead” Ornament – very wrong to even imagine about

* Dan Rather Bobble Head Doll – you are essentially being spiteful and mean by giving this as a gift

Well, that is my list of helpful hints, when shopping for the Metalhead in your life this Christmas/Holiday Season. Believe me, this list could be longer, yet an Old School Metalhead doesn’t ask for much in life… just go with your instinct and really use my advice to your full advantage. I would never steer someone in the wrong direction, especially when it comes to Heavy Metal gift shopping.

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