Metal Odyssey > Heavy Metal Music Blog

GUESS WHO’S COMING TO DINNER?

I don’t advertise myself to be an “expert” in Hard Rock and Heavy Metal album cover design. Nor am I a photography expert either. What I do know is this… a Hard Rock or Heavy Metal album cover should entice fans or potential fans to buy the album. Skulls, flames, guitars, dragons, sword & sorcery, space aliens, monsters, spooky landscapes, the paranormal and the macabre is right up my Metal alley when it comes to album covers. You won’t find this cool stuff on the album covers below. Marketing Hard Rock and Heavy Metal should be simple, right? Well, that is not always the Metal case, as you shall see from the following list of ten very uncool album covers that I have compiled… just for you… and it’s “Part II”!

Years ago, I did earn a degree in Graphic Communications, therefore I think I know what cool Hard Rock and Heavy Metal album artwork is supposed to look like. Then again, what do I know? Some, if not many of the albums in this top ten list have probably sold millions of copies worldwide… so my opinion on these very uncool album covers is probably one big, nasty and smelly fart in the wind anyways.

* Just because an album cover is uncool, doesn’t necessarily mean that the music contained within is lousy. This list, as with the first list, only points out those Hard Rock & Heavy Metal album covers which Metal Odyssey finds so extremely boring and embarrassing that they are… well, uncool.

Here are Metal Odyssey’s Top Ten Very Uncool Hard Rock & Heavy Metal Album Covers Part II, enjoy! Or, try to enjoy.

#10:

Hard Rock Essentials: 1980’s (1995)

Wow. Is that supposed to be a guitar in the center? Um, it’s missing some parts. Ahhh! Those two skulls are so NOT scary! These aren’t the skulls and guitar that I’m looking for on an album cover! This is what a record company gets, when they don’t want to pay the $$$ for decent Hard Rock artwork. Instead, it looks like some record company gave a kindergartner the “go” on this one. Or, it’s some overpaid record executive’s fourth grade kid that did it. Either way… this artwork stinks like rotten cabbage.

#9:

Metal Church – The Human Factor (1991)

Look, anyone who knows me, knows I revere Metal Church… every Metal Church lineup too. With that said, this album cover does this Metal Church lineup NO Metal justice whatsoever. It looks like these guys are laying down on a (gulp) Disco dance floor from Saturday Night Fever. The Metal Church “classic logo” is there, only it’s not enough.

#8:

Torben Enevoldsen – Heavy Persuasion (2007)

Alright, Torben, sit right there and hold up your guitar’s neck directly in front of your face… o.k., a little to the right, hold still now, why aren’t you smiling? Sit still… done! What a picture we got! That didn’t take too long now, did it? Man, Torben, this is gonna make an awesome album cover!

#7:

Lee Aaron – Metal Queen (1984)

Um, yup. Anyways, Lee Aaron really doesn’t look like a queen here at all. Instead, let’s be real, she looks more like a lady barbarian. Where’s the queen’s clothing? Hey… that’s a cardboard sword! Is that backdrop a soiled shower curtain? Regardless, this is not the sword & sorcery I’m talkin’ about. Where’s Doro Pesch when we really need her!?

#6:

Koushik – be with

Apparently, Koushik is a Canadian electronic musician. That’s what my Metal research has uncovered. Despite the lack of Hard Rock or Heavy Metal tags associated with Koushik, this album cover is just a MUST to make this list. I should have never thrown away my kids drawings from when they were one years old. Damn, I could be selling them right now… to record companies as album covers! I could have been rich! I could understand if this cover was for Kids Bop though.

#5:

Symphonity – Voice From The Silence (2008)

Trust me… these dudes called Symphonity ROCK. However, the Power Metal & Speed Metal that this cool band is great at just does NOT resonate on this album cover. Honestly, if I did not know about this Symphonity band, I would swear this was a Gospel album.

#4:

Helloween – Chameleon (1993)

As with Metal Church, Helloween is a band that I honestly revere. Helloween invented Power Metal for Metal sakes. Helloween F’n Rules. However, Chameleon is hands down, my least favorite Helloween album ever released… and it has the worst Helloween album cover ever created. Yes… Metal be thy name.

#3:

Heavy Metal: Head Bangin’ Hits (2003)

It’s some girl wearing a Dee Snider Halloween wig and Jerry Garcia glasses. Um… not my idea of a “Heavy Metal Chick”. It’s covers like this that makes me ask… WTF?

#2:

Heart Of Metal 2 – Various Artists (2001)

Yeah, o.k., like every Metalhead out there is gonna give their sweetheart a barbed wire heart, as a token of their Metal love. Here baby… I love you baby… uh, don’t get cut on this barbed wire heart. Over the years, it never ceases to amaze me, the over zealous stereotyping that we Metalheads receive. Like we are all a bunch of cash strapped barbarians, that rummage through landfills for anniversary gifts. If I gave my wife a barbed wire heart… she would then know that I totally lost my Metal mind, plus I’d get kicked out of the house as well. Hey, not even Hot Topic sells these barbed wire hearts. Not yet anyways.

#1:

Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives: Road Songs That Rock – Hand Picked by Guy Fieri (Compilation) – (2008)

F’n Whoa. Hey, I don’t need that Food Network or Guy Fieri hand picking ANY Rock, Hard Rock or Heavy Metal songs for me. Stick to eating your high cholesterol foods Guy. Plus, I don’t see the F’n connection between the Food Network and Rock ‘N’ Roll anyways. Furthermore, I NEVER connected Guy Fieri to Hard Rock, Heavy Metal or any Rock Music for that F’n matter. All of a sudden, Guy Fieri is the second coming of Wolfman Jack.

Do you think the Food Network would let me have a 30 minute show called… Cooking With Stone? Bet your Metal butt they wouldn’t. Yet it’s alright for the Food Network to set loose their “food experts” on the Hard Rock and Heavy Metal world. Gee Metal whiz.

This is a perfect example of a corporate entity getting involved where they DON’T BELONG! It’s all about the quick $$$ isn’t it Food Network? By the way… the track listing is not too shabby on this CD. I don’t own it and would never buy it… due to the Metal fact it has a damn Food Network logo on it with Guy Fieri laughing all the way to the bank… or should I say refrigerator?

Stone.