Archive for food network

TEN VERY UNCOOL HARD ROCK & HEAVY METAL ALBUM COVERS PART II

Posted in classic rock music, Hard Rock, hard rock albums, hard rock bands, hard rock music, Heavy Metal, heavy metal albums, heavy metal bands, heavy metal music, metal music, metal odyssey, Music, rock & roll, rock and roll, rock music, rock music news with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 5, 2010 by Metal Odyssey

GUESS WHO’S COMING TO DINNER?

I don’t advertise myself to be an “expert” in Hard Rock and Heavy Metal album cover design. Nor am I a photography expert either. What I do know is this… a Hard Rock or Heavy Metal album cover should entice fans or potential fans to buy the album. Skulls, flames, guitars, dragons, sword & sorcery, space aliens, monsters, spooky landscapes, the paranormal and the macabre is right up my Metal alley when it comes to album covers. You won’t find this cool stuff on the album covers below. Marketing Hard Rock and Heavy Metal should be simple, right? Well, that is not always the Metal case, as you shall see from the following list of ten very uncool album covers that I have compiled… just for you… and it’s “Part II”!

Years ago, I did earn a degree in Graphic Communications, therefore I think I know what cool Hard Rock and Heavy Metal album artwork is supposed to look like. Then again, what do I know? Some, if not many of the albums in this top ten list have probably sold millions of copies worldwide… so my opinion on these very uncool album covers is probably one big, nasty and smelly fart in the wind anyways.

* Just because an album cover is uncool, doesn’t necessarily mean that the music contained within is lousy. This list, as with the first list, only points out those Hard Rock & Heavy Metal album covers which Metal Odyssey finds so extremely boring and embarrassing that they are… well, uncool.

Here are Metal Odyssey’s Top Ten Very Uncool Hard Rock & Heavy Metal Album Covers Part II, enjoy! Or, try to enjoy.

#10:

Hard Rock Essentials: 1980’s (1995)

Wow. Is that supposed to be a guitar in the center? Um, it’s missing some parts. Ahhh! Those two skulls are so NOT scary! These aren’t the skulls and guitar that I’m looking for on an album cover! This is what a record company gets, when they don’t want to pay the $$$ for decent Hard Rock artwork. Instead, it looks like some record company gave a kindergartner the “go” on this one. Or, it’s some overpaid record executive’s fourth grade kid that did it. Either way… this artwork stinks like rotten cabbage.

#9:

Metal Church – The Human Factor (1991)

Look, anyone who knows me, knows I revere Metal Church… every Metal Church lineup too. With that said, this album cover does this Metal Church lineup NO Metal justice whatsoever. It looks like these guys are laying down on a (gulp) Disco dance floor from Saturday Night Fever. The Metal Church “classic logo” is there, only it’s not enough.

#8:

Torben Enevoldsen – Heavy Persuasion (2007)

Alright, Torben, sit right there and hold up your guitar’s neck directly in front of your face… o.k., a little to the right, hold still now, why aren’t you smiling? Sit still… done! What a picture we got! That didn’t take too long now, did it? Man, Torben, this is gonna make an awesome album cover!

#7:

Lee Aaron – Metal Queen (1984)

Um, yup. Anyways, Lee Aaron really doesn’t look like a queen here at all. Instead, let’s be real, she looks more like a lady barbarian. Where’s the queen’s clothing? Hey… that’s a cardboard sword! Is that backdrop a soiled shower curtain? Regardless, this is not the sword & sorcery I’m talkin’ about. Where’s Doro Pesch when we really need her!?

#6:

Koushik – be with

Apparently, Koushik is a Canadian electronic musician. That’s what my Metal research has uncovered. Despite the lack of Hard Rock or Heavy Metal tags associated with Koushik, this album cover is just a MUST to make this list. I should have never thrown away my kids drawings from when they were one years old. Damn, I could be selling them right now… to record companies as album covers! I could have been rich! I could understand if this cover was for Kids Bop though.

#5:

Symphonity – Voice From The Silence (2008)

Trust me… these dudes called Symphonity ROCK. However, the Power Metal & Speed Metal that this cool band is great at just does NOT resonate on this album cover. Honestly, if I did not know about this Symphonity band, I would swear this was a Gospel album.

#4:

Helloween – Chameleon (1993)

As with Metal Church, Helloween is a band that I honestly revere. Helloween invented Power Metal for Metal sakes. Helloween F’n Rules. However, Chameleon is hands down, my least favorite Helloween album ever released… and it has the worst Helloween album cover ever created. Yes… Metal be thy name.

#3:

Heavy Metal: Head Bangin’ Hits (2003)

It’s some girl wearing a Dee Snider Halloween wig and Jerry Garcia glasses. Um… not my idea of a “Heavy Metal Chick”. It’s covers like this that makes me ask… WTF?

#2:

Heart Of Metal 2 – Various Artists (2001)

Yeah, o.k., like every Metalhead out there is gonna give their sweetheart a barbed wire heart, as a token of their Metal love. Here baby… I love you baby… uh, don’t get cut on this barbed wire heart. Over the years, it never ceases to amaze me, the over zealous stereotyping that we Metalheads receive. Like we are all a bunch of cash strapped barbarians, that rummage through landfills for anniversary gifts. If I gave my wife a barbed wire heart… she would then know that I totally lost my Metal mind, plus I’d get kicked out of the house as well. Hey, not even Hot Topic sells these barbed wire hearts. Not yet anyways.

#1:

Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives: Road Songs That Rock – Hand Picked by Guy Fieri (Compilation) – (2008)

F’n Whoa. Hey, I don’t need that Food Network or Guy Fieri hand picking ANY Rock, Hard Rock or Heavy Metal songs for me. Stick to eating your high cholesterol foods Guy. Plus, I don’t see the F’n connection between the Food Network and Rock ‘N’ Roll anyways. Furthermore, I NEVER connected Guy Fieri to Hard Rock, Heavy Metal or any Rock Music for that F’n matter. All of a sudden, Guy Fieri is the second coming of Wolfman Jack.

Do you think the Food Network would let me have a 30 minute show called… Cooking With Stone? Bet your Metal butt they wouldn’t. Yet it’s alright for the Food Network to set loose their “food experts” on the Hard Rock and Heavy Metal world. Gee Metal whiz.

This is a perfect example of a corporate entity getting involved where they DON’T BELONG! It’s all about the quick $$$ isn’t it Food Network? By the way… the track listing is not too shabby on this CD. I don’t own it and would never buy it… due to the Metal fact it has a damn Food Network logo on it with Guy Fieri laughing all the way to the bank… or should I say refrigerator?

Stone.

Advertisements

A list of things that really bug me

Posted in bad television commercials, common complaints, corporate buyouts, everyday experiences, everyday people, everyday social experiences, late night talk shows, sports controversy, things that bug us all with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 18, 2009 by Metal Odyssey

MetalOdysseyJust due to the simple reason that I need to vent here, this is a list of things that have really been bugging me lately. Plus, I can make this list and share it, for all the world to see, which is really, really, cool. Enjoy the list! (Note: list is not in any particular order of importance, save for the first item, which is truly #1)

* Wealthy CEO’s crying poor, looking for we the people to bail them out with our hard earned tax money – well, Mr. or Ms. CEO, that is what ya’ll git, when ya’ll probably lied on your damned resumes in the first place. It is time for ya’ll to go back to The University of Ignorance.

* Politicians – ’nuff said here. 

* Career Politicians – especially the really, really, old ones. These morons think the world would stop rotating if they were to step down or (gasp), retire.

* Pharmaceutical commercials that advertise – serious side affects can be death or… And to think, I always thought death was it, your done. I never knew that death was a side affect. 

* Pharmaceutical commercials period. 

* Tampon commercials. Hello, tampon marketing executives… I think women already know they need to buy this stuff every month. 

* Rolling Stone magazine having declared (a short while back), John Mayer a guitar god. Uh, yeah, whatever. 

* Major League Baseball – for never putting an asterisk on all the recently new homerun records. Duh?

* All late night talk show hosts. Your all no longer funny. Your all just a bunch of political analyst wannabes. Plus… your all getting to be like… career politicians.

* Who’s gonna be the next Food Network star? Uh, WHO CARES. Really.

* Always being told, at the bank, sorry, we are all out of one dollar bills. (Are dollar bills worth more now, since they are so rare at the bank?)

* Why, someone tell me, why, are auto manufacturers still installing signal lights on new cars? NO one in front of me, while I am driving, ever uses them anymore.

Well, that is about enough for now. I usually never go this route with my Metal Odyssey blog, however, sometimes it just feels good to let it all out.

Look out! Behind you! There is an “expert” looming!

Posted in Metal, Music with tags , , , , , on March 28, 2009 by Metal Odyssey

You know what? I am fed up with all of the “experts” clogging up all of my favorite cable television networks. From the Food Network to Home and Garden Television, experts abound. What makes an expert, well, an expert anyway? I guess college degrees mean absolutely nothing anymore, throw them away, for an “expert” is better than you! What is the deal? Are people so self entitled now, that their career/job title is not enough? People need to add “expert” at the end of their title, in essence to say to all around them – back off! I am an expert and you are not! Obviously, it is pretty easy to figure out, that the word “expert” attached to anyone’s title is self imposed. If someone disagrees here, please tell me where I can “buy” the word expert or for that matter, “earn” the word expert? Is there a University of Expert anywhere? Nope. How about the College of Expert? Nope again. Is there anywhere on planet Earth, a college, university or any building of higher education that offers a degree in “expert”? Nope, for the third time. 

I feel this whole expert fad is very comical. Honestly, I am not kidding around here, I witnessed on the Food Network one evening, it was on the show “Unwrapped”, there he was…. are you ready? A “candy expert”. I have seen it all. What in blazes does someone need to know about candy to become an expert? I have seen and or read about the following experts, get ready for some of these experts are shocking: butter expert, tootsie roll expert, screwdriver expert, tire expert, tissue expert, weather expert (now that is a joke), comic book expert, newspaper expert and highway expert. Highway expert? Man, to think I knew it all about butter. Political experts are the funniest people alive today. Who in their right mind, would want to be called a political expert? They are out there though. Well, just to jump on the expert bandwagon, I have now declared myself, a HEAVY METAL MUSIC EXPERT. So there. From now on, when people ask me what it is that I do, I will reply, with self indulged arrogance like all the other experts I see on television, “I am a Heavy Metal expert.”

It is a social issue to say the least. As a society, people are constantly competing, on every aspect of life. Someone with a rather very high level of competition, decided to say he/she was an expert in his/her field just to “win” the game of competing in life. Guess what? I figured it out all you experts! It is just a seven letter word, yup. So, go ahead, have a blast! Anyone can be an expert! It’s fun! Yipppeeeee!  By the way….. I am also now an expert in properly flushing a toilet in a public restroom. It always appears no one else in the world knows how to do that one correctly.

%d bloggers like this: