Archive for humor

Creepy Crap I Have To See, While On My CD And Records Hunting Trips

Posted in antiques, halloween, humor, life with tags , , , , on October 27, 2015 by Metal Odyssey

Creepy Face Head - Antique Mall - 2015 - #MO330NMSS8

Above: WTF is this used for and why?

I find enormous pleasure in hunting for older records and CDs. My expeditions take me to antique malls, flea markets and second-hand stores on a frequent schedule. I very often come home empty-handed or with spending only a colossal five dollars or so. These past several years, I’ve found and purchased many exciting vinyl, CD and miscellaneous treasures that I’ll be boasting about on Metal Odyssey, as part of a consistent series of posts. I promise. Yes, it’s been too long since I have shared such cool stories.

In the meantime, I want to share with you via this post all the Creepy Crap I Have To See, While On My CD And Records Hunting Trips. It really sucks to witness such macabre objects that are lurking around corners of the establishments I patronize; many times I stand in awe at the creepy crap that people are trying to sell. On one recent trip, I decided to document this creepy crap through the lens of my iPhone.

WARNING: Some or all of the images that appear above and below may be unsuitable for people who take life way too seriously.

Creepy Mannequin - Antiques Mall - 2015

This mannequin gal looks like she needs a cigarette after a wild night of doing “the wild thing” and assorted narcotics many times over. WTF!?

Creepy Pumpkin Dude - Antiques Mall - 2015 - #MONMSSC33

Sorry if I find this pumpkin troll (thing) as creepy crap. I query: WTF is up with the stick it is holding? What does this pumpkin thing want to do with that stick?

Creepy nude mannequin - antiques mall - 2015 - #MO337099

Yup. This above photo speaks for itself. A nude and headless female mannequin. Wearing a hat. That is a super WTF!!! Needless to say, I did get a couple of disgusted looks from fellow shoppers, as I took this photo.

Creepy face - Antiques Mall - 2015 - #660699MO

This looks like it belongs on a fountain, due to its mouth? Hell, I don’t know. It’s creepy crap, okay? WTF.

Evil Jester Thing - Antiques Mall - 2015 - #MO6673399NMSS

Oh, look, a cute evil jester from grandma’s possessed attic!

headless thing - antiques mall - 2015 - #3306609MON

Looks like Cousin It had offspring. WTF!!

ABBA records - Antiques Mall - 2015 - #MO0000RB

Above is the creepiest crap on this entire post. Stumbling upon an ABBA Greatest Hits album is NO laughing matter. Shit, I was traumatized for at least fifteen minutes after taking this photo. Not cool and WTF.

__________________________

Stone - 2011 Photo #1

LONG LIVE CREEPY CRAP. I THINK.

Stone.

DIGIPAKS STINK LIKE MONKEY POOP. HERE’S WHY…

Posted in classic rock, Hard Rock, humor, Music, news, rock music with tags , , , , , on October 20, 2015 by Metal Odyssey

Screen Shot 2015-10-19 at 11.21.37 PM

Below you will find the Top 10 Reasons Why Digipaks Stink Like Monkey Poop. Enjoy.

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  • Digipaks crease, ding and tear VERY EASILY, even with delicate handling.
  • Even before you buy the damn digipak version off the retail shelf, it’s already dinged, creased or torn. That’s bullshit.
  • Guess what happens while taking the plastic wrap off of a digipak? You ding it. That’s insane bullshit.
  • It takes patience and skill to get the damn CD and liner notes out of the digipak sleeve. After doing so, the cardboard sleeve is dinged from your fingernails; not to mention the liner notes took a nasty beating too.
  • Digipaks get CRUSHED when stacked underneath a pile of CD jewel cases. Hell, a couple of magazines can crush a digipak. Again, that’s bullshit.

This is NO laughing matter!!!

Laughing Monkey - promo pic - 2015 - #667MO66777MNSSC

  • A digipak has NO defense against any liquid. At least a CD jewel case has a freaking fighting chance in protecting the liner notes and CD itself. Trust me, I know ALL about that one.
  • If you wanted to bury your digipak in the ground, for safekeeping, the life expectancy of the cardboard is 4 weeks. That’s intense bullshit.
  • A damaged CD jewel case can be easily replaced. A damaged digipak stalks your music collection, like the uninvited pain-in-the-ass that nobody gives a shit about. Do not get alarmed, for the respective CD and liner notes will always find themselves a new home inside a spare and cozy… jewel case.
  • Just opening and closing a digipak automatically CREASES the spine; not to mention leaving visible fingerprints all over the cardboard. That is unreal bullshit.
  • Purchasing a used CD as a digipak version is never a fun moment. The digipak 99.9% of the time is so freaking mishandled, dinged and worn; not to mention the disease ridden bacteria that has probably been absorbed by the cardboard itself. Yay. Um, bullshit.

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Special thanks for the inspiration of this post goes to Scott Coverdale.

MetalOdyssey

LONG LIVE CD JEWEL CASES.

LONG LIVE MONKEYS AND NOT THEIR POOP.

Stone.

Turkey Fart Public Awareness Announcement From Metal Odyssey

Posted in current events, current news, family, feel good stories, food, holidays, humor, rock music, travel with tags , , , , , , , , , , on November 23, 2010 by Metal Odyssey

CAUTION: Turkey Farts are an extreme public safety concern, when inhaled in a confined living room, with no air circulation, amongst a large gathering of relatives, friends and/or total strangers that ate like famished farm goats on Thanksgiving Day. Do not light a match or lighter in this extreme situation either, Turkey Farts are incredibly flammable. Any door marked “bathroom” within a Thanksgiving feast setting should also be avoided… unless you are equipped with a certified industrial gas mask.

* LOWER DWELLING EVACUATION PROCEDURES:

*NEVER move to a higher level of the house/apartment to escape a Turkey Fart… as with all nasty farts, they are fueled by excessive heat which only makes them rise farther into the air. Survivors of Turkey Fart inhalation will tell you, move to lower ground and make certain you bring enough beer with you. Beer Farts are not known to be as toxic as a Turkey Fart, therefore, the Beer Fart is the lesser of two evils.

* NOTE: You can escape a Turkey Fart by going outside; only the NFL games, assorted pastry, party platters, cheese, crackers and refreshments are all readily available… inside your own/hosts dwelling. Also, it is not far fetched to walk/run into an invading “Turkey Fart Thunder Cloud” from another neighborhood dwelling that is engulfing an entire street or city block… that is a whole other Turkey Fart nightmare for another day. Instead, be wise and refer back to  “lower dwelling evacuation procedures.”

* WARNING SIGNS OF POTENTIAL TURKEY FART OUTBURSTS:

In the extreme event you begin to hear a relative/friend/stranger utter: “gobble, gobble”, they are experiencing what is known as Turkey Fart hallucination. Get as far away from this person as you can! This is a tell tale sign that this Turkey glutton has eaten more turkey than their body can handle, resulting in toxic Turkey Fart emissions.

* Stay clear from any relative or immediate family member who exclaims upon finishing their Thanksgiving meal: “gosh, all I want to do right about now is lie down.” This person is a carrier of  Turkey Fart fever! Within 2 to 4 minutes, this dangerous individual will be letting loose Turkey Farts so potent and bizarreyou will wish you were standing in the middle of the Arctic Circle… with some cold beer and Black Metal blasting, of course.

Keep it safe this Thanksgiving and beware of Turkey Farts.

If you or someone you know, is a Turkey Fart inhalation survivor, please feel free to comment about it. Letting your story be heard, is the first step towards defeating your Turkey Fart anxiety.

Stone.

AGGRAVATION FILE: OPENING A SEALED CD JEWEL CASE

Posted in classic rock, classic rock music, hard rock music, Heavy Metal, heavy metal music, humor, metal odyssey, Music, personal stories, rock 'n' roll, rock and roll, rock music, rock music news with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on July 31, 2010 by Metal Odyssey

AGGRAVATION FILE: I most certainly am not alone, when I grumble and whine about opening a sealed CD jewel case. When I buy a new CD at whatever store, I’m usually psyched out of my Metal mind once I get to my car. Why am I psyched out of my Metal mind you query? For I want to hear the new CD that I just bought! It’s what I call: being self-psyched about having new tunes for my ears euphoria. However, that euphoria soon becomes… aggravation once I try to take off the CD plastic wrap.

As I sit in my car and begin the task of peeling off the plastic wrap, I realize my utility knife is needed, as always. That’s right. I need to use a damn utility knife just to get the plastic wrap off the CD! For some reason or another, some bright engineer somewhere, decided that shrink wrapping CD’s was cool and/or ingenious. Not for Stone. Once I get the shrink wrap off my new CD, it’s not over. Oh, no… not by a Metal long-shot. The evil sticker strip seal is still on the jewel case… and it needs to come off as well in order to access the CD.

I could easily just dislocate this jewel case at it’s hinges and basically tear it apart to get the CD out. That’s not cool though, I like to keep my CD collection in mint shape, so destroying a jewel case is an irrational and moronic action to take. The sticker strip seal is meant to prevent shoplifting of CD’s, it’s a necessary evil, I do understand. Still, does the manufacturing process really call for using super glue when adhering these sticker strip seals to jewel cases? Give me a Metal break.

As I am fighting, cursing and moving about strangely in my car, trying valiantly to remove the super glued, sticker strip seal from my new CD jewel case, people that walk by my car, in the parking lot, look over at me with either alarm or disgust on their faces. For real. What in Metal creation do these strangers think I am doing? Sometimes I have to actually abort my mission and wait for these nosey strangers to move on. I am just trying to open up my new CD… it’s not an act of felony for Metal sakes!

Once I do succeed at getting this sealed sticker strip off, there always remains… the sticker strip… residue. Ew. Sometimes there is more of this residue sticking to the jewel case than I could ever imagine. It’s sticky and it’s gross. No one knows, exactly how much Goo Gone I go through in a calendar year, due to sticker strip seal residue. Metal be damned. My most recent CD purchase was Avenged Sevenfold – Nightmare… and it was a nightmare trying to peel off that F’n sticker strip. It’s not funny, especially when it’s the new A7X CD that I so desperately need to ingest.

Many may think that this is silly crap that I’m aggravated over. It’s not that silly when you spend five minutes or more picking away at this sticker strip and beads of sweat begin to swell on my forehead. Now I know why I feel so stress-free when I make a purchase on itunes… no damned sealed sticker strip, to hold me hostage from the Metal I need to hear.

GO TO HELL SEALED STICKER STRIPS ON CD’S

Stone.

The Tampon Files: Three Short Stories About… Tampons

Posted in common complaints, embarrassing situations, everyday experiences, everyday people, everyday social experiences, family, funny stories, grocery store experiences, humor, humorous experiences, life, life stories, living, people, personal stories, points to ponder, real life experiences, social encounters, true personal stories with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 13, 2009 by Metal Odyssey

The Tampon Pimp

I am a dude. I am a Metalhead dude that loves his wife deeply. I will do anything for her. When feminine protection supplies are needed, um, tampons, I gladly go by myself to the grocery store to buy such products for my wife. I am over that crap of being embarrassed about buying this stuff – just because I am a man, uh, dude, doesn’t mean I have to ignore this fact of life. Heck, I used to load those cigar shaped ones into a wall canister at a company I once worked for… being a maintenance man is sometimes all encompassing. I used to get hollered at like crazy by women of all ages that worked in this company… there never was enough of those damned cigar tampons in the women’s rest room canister. Trust me, a group of these women went out of their way to bellow out loud that these supplies were out, they tried to disgrace and humiliate me… only they were the disgrace, based on their behavior, fowl language and actions.

I couldn’t keep up with the demand. How was this happening? I couldn’t believe how many of those things were being used, based on the number of women that were working at this company. Could each woman working in this building be having their period at the exact time? Impossible to think. Eventually, I did figure it out. Since the cigar tampons were free, yes free, well, the daily stock wound up being taken home in large quantities. Basically, the vast majority of the cigar tampons were stolen each day. Needless to say, I was the tampon pimp.

The Five Dollar Tampon Coupon

One day, this very week, I ventured into my neighborhood grocery store to pick up some necessities. Oh yes, one of those necessities was a box of cigar shaped tampons. Only this particular grocery trip was special… I had “earned” a five dollar coupon towards a name brand tampon, an “elite” brand too. I “earned” this fabulous coupon by being a loyal customer of this fine grocery store, you betcha. So, upon knowing obtaining this product was on “the list”, I was very excited to redeem this coupon towards an over priced box of “elite” cigar shaped tampons. The “elite” brand is a whopping eight dollars plus change – for a box of thirty six! Getting this “elite” box of feminine product for around three dollars, was sweet victory to my inner soul.

I only had six items or so in my arms, therefore choosing the “express” checkout at the grocery store seemed like a power move to me. No other customer was in front of me… easy pickings at the “express” checkout lane. Or so I thought. The cashier at this “express” checkout I am very familiar with, she always is very kind, courteous and quick with conversation. Not today. You see, I am a man and I am buying tampons. This normally stable and able cashier now was frazzled, anxious and muttering words that I could not easily comprehend. The result: a small “express” grocery order gone awry. Next thing I know, my five dollar tampon coupon would not get accepted by the “electric eye” of the scanner. Ouch. What happens next? You know, that grocery check out nightmare everyone thinks about, yet does not think it will happen to them.

“Coupon override on express” is announced worriedly by my cashier through the store speaker system. After waiting for at least five minutes, (five minutes!!!), a “head” cashier comes over to ask what is wrong. By now, a “line” has formed behind me, I am staring straight at a display of tic tacs and dreaming of better moments. The cashier states with a rather loud voice… “it won’t scan this tampon coupon.” Ouch. The “head” cashier inserted a “key” into the register, opened the register door, closed it, then punched in a “secret” code. These secret intelligence steps that the “head” cashier did made the situation better… my five dollar tampon coupon was now accepted! I never saw a cashier bag an order so fast in my life. I politely said thank you to all involved in helping me complete my mission, thus I calmly walked away with bags in hand.

Setting The Dinner Table With Feminine Napkins

I was most likely, around six years old when this story took place. A true story it is. My mother, (she is now in heaven), was busy as always, cleaning around the kitchen and making dinner for the family. I, being a six year old and wanting to help my mother in any way possible, asked her what I could possibly do for her at the moment. My mother said I could set the dinner table with napkins. Hey, what easier thing to do than set the dinner table with napkins? As a six year old, heck, that was right up my alley. So, I remember vividly, like it was last year… I went to the coat closet to obtain the napkins, from the very large box where they were stored. Unfortunately, these were not napkins for food. You see, as a six year old, I was reading to an extent and the word “napkins” was boldly scrolled across a very large box of feminine napkins that my mother always stored in this coat closet. Being just a toddler, I did not know the difference, a napkin was a napkin. I did set a large feminine napkin at each dinner placing… for all four in our family. Upon my mother discovering what I had done, all I can remember is she hugged me, she laughed, then she explained these were not the “correct” napkins. This was a story my mother and I shared in laughter for a lifetime.

In Summary

Two aspects of a woman that I most admire are: 1.) a woman can give birth, 2.) a woman can survive a dreadful period each month. A woman is strong, make no mistake about it. I have the most sincere respect for what a woman must go through when it comes to child labor and a monthly period. My sympathy and respect only grew by eons due to witnessing my wonderful wife give birth to our twin daughters. The only thing I can never comprehend or understand is… why on earth is a period referred to as “friend”? Knowing what I know now, that damn monthly visit to a woman should be referred to as “enemy”. Making light of the social experiences I have had in handling and purchasing the “tampon” is to try to make sense of it all. The “taboo” nature of a man speaking of or purchasing this female necessity has to eventually cease. It is not 1920 anymore.

MetalOdyssey

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