Metal Odyssey > Heavy Metal Music Blog

The Tampon Pimp

I am a dude. I am a Metalhead dude that loves his wife deeply. I will do anything for her. When feminine protection supplies are needed, um, tampons, I gladly go by myself to the grocery store to buy such products for my wife. I am over that crap of being embarrassed about buying this stuff – just because I am a man, uh, dude, doesn’t mean I have to ignore this fact of life. Heck, I used to load those cigar shaped ones into a wall canister at a company I once worked for… being a maintenance man is sometimes all encompassing. I used to get hollered at like crazy by women of all ages that worked in this company… there never was enough of those damned cigar tampons in the women’s rest room canister. Trust me, a group of these women went out of their way to bellow out loud that these supplies were out, they tried to disgrace and humiliate me… only they were the disgrace, based on their behavior, fowl language and actions.

I couldn’t keep up with the demand. How was this happening? I couldn’t believe how many of those things were being used, based on the number of women that were working at this company. Could each woman working in this building be having their period at the exact time? Impossible to think. Eventually, I did figure it out. Since the cigar tampons were free, yes free, well, the daily stock wound up being taken home in large quantities. Basically, the vast majority of the cigar tampons were stolen each day. Needless to say, I was the tampon pimp.

The Five Dollar Tampon Coupon

One day, this very week, I ventured into my neighborhood grocery store to pick up some necessities. Oh yes, one of those necessities was a box of cigar shaped tampons. Only this particular grocery trip was special… I had “earned” a five dollar coupon towards a name brand tampon, an “elite” brand too. I “earned” this fabulous coupon by being a loyal customer of this fine grocery store, you betcha. So, upon knowing obtaining this product was on “the list”, I was very excited to redeem this coupon towards an over priced box of “elite” cigar shaped tampons. The “elite” brand is a whopping eight dollars plus change – for a box of thirty six! Getting this “elite” box of feminine product for around three dollars, was sweet victory to my inner soul.

I only had six items or so in my arms, therefore choosing the “express” checkout at the grocery store seemed like a power move to me. No other customer was in front of me… easy pickings at the “express” checkout lane. Or so I thought. The cashier at this “express” checkout I am very familiar with, she always is very kind, courteous and quick with conversation. Not today. You see, I am a man and I am buying tampons. This normally stable and able cashier now was frazzled, anxious and muttering words that I could not easily comprehend. The result: a small “express” grocery order gone awry. Next thing I know, my five dollar tampon coupon would not get accepted by the “electric eye” of the scanner. Ouch. What happens next? You know, that grocery check out nightmare everyone thinks about, yet does not think it will happen to them.

“Coupon override on express” is announced worriedly by my cashier through the store speaker system. After waiting for at least five minutes, (five minutes!!!), a “head” cashier comes over to ask what is wrong. By now, a “line” has formed behind me, I am staring straight at a display of tic tacs and dreaming of better moments. The cashier states with a rather loud voice… “it won’t scan this tampon coupon.” Ouch. The “head” cashier inserted a “key” into the register, opened the register door, closed it, then punched in a “secret” code. These secret intelligence steps that the “head” cashier did made the situation better… my five dollar tampon coupon was now accepted! I never saw a cashier bag an order so fast in my life. I politely said thank you to all involved in helping me complete my mission, thus I calmly walked away with bags in hand.

Setting The Dinner Table With Feminine Napkins

I was most likely, around six years old when this story took place. A true story it is. My mother, (she is now in heaven), was busy as always, cleaning around the kitchen and making dinner for the family. I, being a six year old and wanting to help my mother in any way possible, asked her what I could possibly do for her at the moment. My mother said I could set the dinner table with napkins. Hey, what easier thing to do than set the dinner table with napkins? As a six year old, heck, that was right up my alley. So, I remember vividly, like it was last year… I went to the coat closet to obtain the napkins, from the very large box where they were stored. Unfortunately, these were not napkins for food. You see, as a six year old, I was reading to an extent and the word “napkins” was boldly scrolled across a very large box of feminine napkins that my mother always stored in this coat closet. Being just a toddler, I did not know the difference, a napkin was a napkin. I did set a large feminine napkin at each dinner placing… for all four in our family. Upon my mother discovering what I had done, all I can remember is she hugged me, she laughed, then she explained these were not the “correct” napkins. This was a story my mother and I shared in laughter for a lifetime.

In Summary

Two aspects of a woman that I most admire are: 1.) a woman can give birth, 2.) a woman can survive a dreadful period each month. A woman is strong, make no mistake about it. I have the most sincere respect for what a woman must go through when it comes to child labor and a monthly period. My sympathy and respect only grew by eons due to witnessing my wonderful wife give birth to our twin daughters. The only thing I can never comprehend or understand is… why on earth is a period referred to as “friend”? Knowing what I know now, that damn monthly visit to a woman should be referred to as “enemy”. Making light of the social experiences I have had in handling and purchasing the “tampon” is to try to make sense of it all. The “taboo” nature of a man speaking of or purchasing this female necessity has to eventually cease. It is not 1920 anymore.